What You Choose is What You Get

I have an admission. 

I am a recovering “need to be right” addict. What I mean by that is that I spent most of my years to this point prioritizing the “need to be right” in my thoughts and my interactions to the point that it became a part of my “success recipe” or my way of being. It became a part of my identity of being a “fixer” or “problem solver” or being the person who “always has the answer” in situations and relationships. Over time, this “need to be right” got entrenched as it contributed to my success in school and business.  

Earlier in my marriage, my wife chose an opportune moment to simply say, “Look, you have a choice here; you can either be right or you can be happy.” And from that moment, here’s what changed.

I realized that what we choose is what we get. In every minute, we choose one thing over another. In this example, I chose being right (and getting fulfillment from that) over connecting with people, validating their viewpoints, or truly listening.  

The actual realization here is that this dynamic of choosing one thing over another is present in every minute and every situation of every day. Sometimes, we do it consciously. But other times, we do it subconsciously based on the underlying beliefs that we have in place. In any given moment:

• I choose what to focus on or whether I get distracted
• I choose what to think and what not to think
• I choose to let something bother me or make me angry, or to step over it
• I choose both my words and my tone in every interaction
• I choose to give someone grace or to judge them
• I choose to hear what I want to hear or to truly listen for what is being said.

It goes on and on. 

The key takeaway is that you get to choose in every minute who you want to be and whether your other choices align with that outcome.

The choice to “be right” actually served me in many ways. I generally got what I wanted; I was perceived as smart, capable, and successful; I was consistently chosen for advancement and leadership opportunities. 

Choosing to “be right” also made me self-absorbed. I would choose my own needs over others and would often show up as a “dick” (technical term) in real relationships.  

The thing about choice is there is no right or wrong. Choice is simply cause and effect. All choices have implications or natural consequences. And what you choose cleanly creates what you get. 

So, as the old adage goes, “choose wisely.”