Embrace ‘No’ to Create More Success

Over the past 20 years, one of the striking patterns I have observed is the difficulty that leaders and employees have with saying no. The patterns are:

• People's plates are perpetually too full or overflowing.
• People remain focused on actions or priorities that aren't the critical path to their stated outcomes, strategy, or direction.
• People have difficulty having simple trade-off discussions and taking things off the plate when they add something to it.

The result is that leaders and teams are in a consistent state of stress or overwhelm. And they could be more effective, efficient, and purposeful if they learned the power of no.

We, as humans, have difficulty saying no cleanly or purposefully. We are taught from very early on to attach specific emotions to saying no. Some of us are taught that no is associated with guilt or shame. Some of us are taught that we are bad, disobedient, won't fit in, or won't look good to others if we say no. From early on, we develop deep emotional associations with saying 'no' that continue to show up both in our personal and business lives.  

But here's the truth. 

The most effective leaders (and people in life) have very clean filters and effective capabilities to say no to the things that are not critical to getting them what they want or where they want to go. They recognize that keeping a bunch of stuff on the plate that is NOT critical path is simply a diffusion or waste of energy that could be applied much more effectively on actions or areas of focus that are critical paths.

The most powerful tools we have to create what we want as leaders and people are our beliefs and focus. Our beliefs frame our operating assumptions and form the foundation for what we want and what we see as possible (i.e., our self-imposed limits). Our focus is where we put our time, energy, and resources on a minute-by-minute basis. And the correlation is direct. What we believe and where we focus determine what we will create. When we choose to leave beliefs in place that don't allow easy and clean "no's" and prevent us from committing 100% of our focus and energies to what is critical path, we are actually choosing to hold ourselves back and simply not achieve what we want.  

Effective choice requires that you are BOTH good at saying yes and no. Saying yes is what you consciously choose to put your focus on. Saying no is the key to freeing up the space and the energy to say yes. If you don't say no, you have no space or capacity to say yes to what you want. Or, at a minimum, you keep too much clutter in your space to move as effectively as you can toward what you want.

"Saying yes is what you consciously choose to put your focus on. Saying no is the key to freeing up the space and the energy to say yes."

Rather than "no" being an emotional reaction, one that you only reach when you are at the end of the line, frustrated, and feel forced into it because there is no other choice, saying no should feel like a clean mechanism or tool that you use to stay purposeful.  

There are two things you can do today to help refine your ability to use "no" to be more focused and purposeful in creating what you want.

1. Become more aware of your emotional associations with saying "no." 

The power to choose starts with awareness. Once we are aware of the dynamics at play in our choices, we can pick over them. In this instance, once you are aware of the specific emotions attached to saying "no" and where those emotions root back to, you open up your ability to simply choose over those associations.

2. Change your state of mind and beliefs about saying "no."

When you think about saying "no," what beliefs pop into your head? 

These beliefs act as decision rules that guide your choices. Suppose you believe that saying "no" may limit opportunities (i.e., stopping activities that MAY lead to something). In that case, you can talk yourself out of saying "no" in any circumstance. Evolve your beliefs to enable you to communicate "no" to be focused and purposeful. 

For example:

• Saying "no" is CRITICAL to getting what I want.
• When I say "no," I am simply being purposeful and aligned.
• Saying "no" validates that I am committed to what I want.

You can choose many alternative beliefs and associations that simply realign your state of mind and presence in the moment of choice. Choose one that works for you.  

To create what we want in our businesses and lives, the consistent and clean act of saying "no" allows us to focus and say "yes" to the things that truly do create what we want and get out of the way the things that don't.